The interweb is rife with editorials regarding the ethics of sending or not sending a care package to a soon-to-be adopted child. I'm pretty sure that I have read every single comment on the topic. I've also queried my Facebook groups and the China Adopt Talk forum parents to solicit more advice.
I'm a firm believer in data. As in, the more the better.
Why is it controversial to send a care package to a child in an orphanage? First, care packages are apparently not practical in an orphanage environment. This is only logical, since clothing or toys can get dirty or lost. When many, many kids live in one institution, it can't possibly be practical to keep a particular item with a particular child. I'm sure caregivers don't appreciate more work: more laundry, more hassle, more tears from children who don't understand the concept of personal belongings. I once visited an orphanage in Honduras on a medical mission trip and found over fifty children and no toys. Clothes were washed in batches and rotated amongst children without regard for fashion or preference. In fact, there was little regard even for accurate sizing. Childcare is enough work without that kind of hassle.
Also, a care package singles out one child as different. This is not always a good thing, as I well recall from my own childhood. A little girl who has a family waiting for her can become a target for those who have not yet been chosen, or for those who may never be adopted. My grandparents often accused me of being a "Selfish Sally" when I was little and, sadly, I must admit that I was not keen on sharing. I was also not always happy for other children who had nice clothes, fancy toys, pretty houses, and both parents. Jealousy and I were no strangers. I can't even imagine what a child who has been passed over for adoption thinks and feels. I cried during the scene in "Annie" when the other orphans beg to be adopted with the red-headed moppet - and that was just a musical.
I have read tales of children in Social Welfare Institutes who were not given the care packages at all, or they were given the package the day the parents picked them up. In some cases, the child was told that the package came from the SWI caregivers and not the adoptive parents. There certainly is no guarantee when you mail an unsolicited package to strangers in a foreign country.
So why send a care package?
First, because it makes me feel like I am doing something for my child. I missed out on pregnancy, delivery, first words, first smiles, first hugs, first steps, and a host of medical procedures and opportunities to comfort and enjoy Little Pearl during her first few years of life. Selecting and mailing small items makes me feel close to her and makes the adoption seem more real. Also, whether they choose to give the package to her or not, these small gifts send her caregivers the message that there are people who truly want and can provide for this child.
A care package also gives us a chance to introduce ourselves to Little Pearl and her caregivers. By including a letter and pictures or a photo album, we let our almost-daughter and her nannies know a bit about us and how we are preparing for her arrival.
A small comfort item like a lovey is supposed to familiarize Little Pearl with our scents and the smells of our home. I have to admit, I am a bit skeptical about this one. The attachment books all talk about the importance of such items, but I'm used to thinking about de"scent"sitization as being beneficial for dogs and cats, not humans. I guess we shall see if the theory has any merit.
We thought about using a care package service to send the items directly from within China, and many such services exist. They seem like a great idea, but I was concerned that this would violate CCCWA's regulations. The rules state something to the effect that no third parties can inquire about or contact the child on our behalf while the adoption is in process. In my online research, I've found many adoptive parents who used care package services without any adverse effects, but we ultimately decided not to take the risk.
Angry Driver and I have already selected some items for Little Pearl's care package, which will have to be approximately shoe-box sized or smaller. We had a code for a free hardcover Shutterfly book, so we created an album containing her referral pictures along with pictures of us, Bean, a few of our pets, and our home. We then attempted to create labels with Mandarin simplified characters to caption some of the photos.
Hopefully, the translations are sound since we were at the Mercy of Google Translate.
I thought about adding a Mandarin translation of "playroom" to accompany the photo of our toy room, but then I worried that I would inadvertently end up with the Fifty Shades of Grey version of "playroom". This may seem like an irrational fear, but a similar thing actually happened years ago during a presentation in my college French class. Every student in my class accidentally used the wrong French term for "excite", causing much embarrassment for us students and resulting in much mirth for the professor.
We then turned our attention to finding a suitable comfort object. We hoped to find two identical loveys. One would go in the care package and the other would be a spare that we take with us to China in case the original is lost or damaged. After searching multiple stores and online purveyors of goods, I was unable to find two small identical loveys that met my obsessive standards. What obsessive standards, you ask?
First, the objects had to be identical. I found that it is not easy to find two of anything unless quality is not a concern or I want to spend a lot of money.
Second, the lovey could not be made in China. It seems silly to me to send Little Pearl something that was manufactured in China, shipped to the United States, and then mailed back to China.
Third, the color of the lovey had to be one that would not show every stain possible. Few things are worse than a stained and dingy lovey, IMHO.
Finally, the lovey had to be special. Meaningful. Personal. This condition proved to be the most problematic.
As I am not known for doing things the easy way (or even the less difficult way), I ultimately elected to make the loveys myself. For those of you who sew, you are probably at this point thinking, "Big deal. Sounds like a piece of cake".
Well, it is a big deal for me because I do not know how to sew. At all. Not even a little bit. I can't even sew a button. Yes, I am one of those horrible people who loses a button to a shirt and either wears the shirt without all of the buttons or disposes of the shirt altogether. My last real attempt at sewing was a pillow in sixth grade Home Economics, and that was an unmitigated disaster. If that teacher is still living, she is probably still shuddering at the memory. When our sofa ripped a few years ago, I repaired it by stitching a horizontal mattress suture with dental floss.
Amazingly enough, given what I just confessed, we actually do own a small sewing machine. Angry Driver bought a basic machine a few years ago, but neither of us knows the first thing about sewing so the beast has lurked untouched in our laundry room. Firm in my belief that all things are possible with Google, I pulled the sewing machine out of storage, found a Simple Boutique Baby Lovey pattern online, hit the fabric store, and set to work.
One side is purple elephant flannel and the other is white minky. Minky is, I learned, that super baby soft blankie fabric that feels so warm and nice against the skin. The edging is purple blanket ribbon that was, alas, fabricated in China. One truly cannot have it all.
The end result actually isn't half bad, just so long as one doesn't examine the stitching from a distance of less than about 18 inches. On close inspection, my complete lack of anything approaching actual skill is obvious, but it's the thought that counts, right?
I would like to say that these were made with love, and they were.
Love, and lots and lots of profanity. A few tears as well.
In terms of other goodies for the care package, we plan to include a disposable camera in the hopes that Little Pearl's nannies will snap some photos for us. We will also include some Crayola crayons (still proudly made in the USA!), a small outfit, and some candy for the nannies and other kids. Finally, we will add a short letter in English and Mandarin explaining the package. We plan to actually have a person who speaks Mandarin translate the letter since I doubt highly that Google Translate is up to the task.
If all goes well, we should have LOA in the next 4-8 weeks. Then we can mail the care package and begin the countdown to travel. Hope springs eternal! Or, as Angry Driver is fond of saying, Spring hopes attorney!
